The "Adult Thing"
Honesty and accountability. Two hard pills to swallow, but hey, someone's gotta take 'em.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna just dump some stuff here and let this mark my ownership of falling headlong into the world's deepest rut and my attempt to step out of it.
I've been in my town for coming up on 3 months. And to be honest, I've given up. Not just on being a "great teacher" like I wanted to, but taking care of myself, my apartment, my studies.. I've just given up. It's stupid and I know that.
Lately my health has gone to the dogs and I want to blame part of that on going cold turkey off the birth control I've been on for five years. I'm having migraines again, cluster headaches, ice pick headaches. My joints are sore and ache, I'm exhausted. I just want to lie down in my classroom and sleep all the time. My jaw is tense from grinding my teeth in my sleep because I'm stressed and I feel like garbage. Haven't been taking my supplements, and up until about 2 weeks ago I wasn't getting anywhere near the amount of protein I need in my diet. Oops.
I just gave up on putting effort into cleaning my apartment daily or going all out on my wardrobe/makeup for school, or even putting the hours into lesson plans I should. Big oops.
To be honest though, it all just compounded on me faster than I realized. I was putting 2-4 hours into lesson plans to make them pretty and interactive and lovely for the kids. I was studying trends and putting popular things into my slides to keep attention. I was burning myself out more and more and getting a whole lotta nothing in return, unless you count tantrums and ripped up worksheets as a response.
I just got tired of trying my best for it to be thrown back into my face. What was the point in doing all of this if nobody cared? If nobody helped or cooperated?
And here's the other part.
I personally liken being a NET to being a beginner tightrope walker in a circus. Your Co-Teacher should be your harness. If you have a Co-T who doesn't care, or like me, don't have one at all....well there goes that first sense of security. Your Mentor Teacher should be your safety net below. If you have a MT who doesn't want to be your MT/doesn't want to be at your school, like mine...well you're kinda screwed aren't you? When you slip and inevitably fall off the rope, you've got nothing to stop you from falling and nothing between you and the cold, hard ground. It, plain and simply, fucking sucks knowing that.
It really, really does. Knowing there was no backup, no safety, no contingency plan should I slip... It just got to me. I was truly led to believe that my school would really like me, that I'd have a Co-T or MT who loved me and would be happy to help, to be my friend. That was probably really foolish optimism blinding me. Once that got wiped off my eyes and I saw that my reality was on the other end of the spectrum, it just killed me inside. There's nothing worse (actually there are a lot of things) than realizing someone who's supposed to help guide you in a foreign country doesn't want to do anything for you at all.
They don't want to help get a phone contract with you, knowing you don't speak any Korean. They don't want to help you set up your bank account, knowing again that you don't speak any Korean. They really don't want to set up your paperwork with the government on time, forcing you to pay almost $600 in one month for back payments. And they really just don't care about submitting your pay on time twice in a row. Why should I care and put my heart and soul into my job when the people who are meant to help me don't want to lift a finger to do anything? What does any of this matter anyway?
I know I can't blame all my problems on my school and I don't plan to. Starting today I really intend to get my shit together and my life back on track. I can't sleep in until 10am and then roll out of bed bleary eyed and regretfully get dressed to leave. I can't not study Korean anymore. I can't not sweep my floors and eat proper meals. I can't just give up like that.
My plans are to stop being such a lump.
I'll wake up at 7am, I'll eat a good breakfast. Maybe I'll even work out some. I'll study Korean, make materials for lesson plans. I'll wear makeup again and put on more than a T-shirt and jeans. I'll get out and make friends and stop relying on Stella, the babies, and Steam to get me through my days. I'll clean my apartment every day, make my bed when I get up.
I won't fall into a bottle of E-mart soju pretending like my liver isn't already shit and won't fail on me.
I just have to step up and out of this hole I dug for myself, and this is me putting it out there that enough is enough.
If you made it to this part, thanks for reading because holy fuck this was long and rambling. I'll post more happy things coming soon.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna just dump some stuff here and let this mark my ownership of falling headlong into the world's deepest rut and my attempt to step out of it.
I've been in my town for coming up on 3 months. And to be honest, I've given up. Not just on being a "great teacher" like I wanted to, but taking care of myself, my apartment, my studies.. I've just given up. It's stupid and I know that.
Lately my health has gone to the dogs and I want to blame part of that on going cold turkey off the birth control I've been on for five years. I'm having migraines again, cluster headaches, ice pick headaches. My joints are sore and ache, I'm exhausted. I just want to lie down in my classroom and sleep all the time. My jaw is tense from grinding my teeth in my sleep because I'm stressed and I feel like garbage. Haven't been taking my supplements, and up until about 2 weeks ago I wasn't getting anywhere near the amount of protein I need in my diet. Oops.
I just gave up on putting effort into cleaning my apartment daily or going all out on my wardrobe/makeup for school, or even putting the hours into lesson plans I should. Big oops.
To be honest though, it all just compounded on me faster than I realized. I was putting 2-4 hours into lesson plans to make them pretty and interactive and lovely for the kids. I was studying trends and putting popular things into my slides to keep attention. I was burning myself out more and more and getting a whole lotta nothing in return, unless you count tantrums and ripped up worksheets as a response.
I just got tired of trying my best for it to be thrown back into my face. What was the point in doing all of this if nobody cared? If nobody helped or cooperated?
And here's the other part.
I personally liken being a NET to being a beginner tightrope walker in a circus. Your Co-Teacher should be your harness. If you have a Co-T who doesn't care, or like me, don't have one at all....well there goes that first sense of security. Your Mentor Teacher should be your safety net below. If you have a MT who doesn't want to be your MT/doesn't want to be at your school, like mine...well you're kinda screwed aren't you? When you slip and inevitably fall off the rope, you've got nothing to stop you from falling and nothing between you and the cold, hard ground. It, plain and simply, fucking sucks knowing that.
It really, really does. Knowing there was no backup, no safety, no contingency plan should I slip... It just got to me. I was truly led to believe that my school would really like me, that I'd have a Co-T or MT who loved me and would be happy to help, to be my friend. That was probably really foolish optimism blinding me. Once that got wiped off my eyes and I saw that my reality was on the other end of the spectrum, it just killed me inside. There's nothing worse (actually there are a lot of things) than realizing someone who's supposed to help guide you in a foreign country doesn't want to do anything for you at all.
They don't want to help get a phone contract with you, knowing you don't speak any Korean. They don't want to help you set up your bank account, knowing again that you don't speak any Korean. They really don't want to set up your paperwork with the government on time, forcing you to pay almost $600 in one month for back payments. And they really just don't care about submitting your pay on time twice in a row. Why should I care and put my heart and soul into my job when the people who are meant to help me don't want to lift a finger to do anything? What does any of this matter anyway?
I know I can't blame all my problems on my school and I don't plan to. Starting today I really intend to get my shit together and my life back on track. I can't sleep in until 10am and then roll out of bed bleary eyed and regretfully get dressed to leave. I can't not study Korean anymore. I can't not sweep my floors and eat proper meals. I can't just give up like that.
My plans are to stop being such a lump.
I'll wake up at 7am, I'll eat a good breakfast. Maybe I'll even work out some. I'll study Korean, make materials for lesson plans. I'll wear makeup again and put on more than a T-shirt and jeans. I'll get out and make friends and stop relying on Stella, the babies, and Steam to get me through my days. I'll clean my apartment every day, make my bed when I get up.
I won't fall into a bottle of E-mart soju pretending like my liver isn't already shit and won't fail on me.
I just have to step up and out of this hole I dug for myself, and this is me putting it out there that enough is enough.
If you made it to this part, thanks for reading because holy fuck this was long and rambling. I'll post more happy things coming soon.
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